Politics 101: How to Win Votes

Did you notice it's almost election time? There's a new-found urgency to fulfill forgotten promises. Innovative name-calling is peaking. Plus the mudslinging is in overdrive. Politics is in the air. So much seems to be happening in the country all of a sudden – it’s Mr. Random Politician’s way of bringing in the votes from every possible demographic. If you are an aspiring politician, these are some pretty great role models to look up to and draw inspiration from. Here are the top vote-winning ideas drawn from campaigning efforts over the last couple of days:

• Need the tree-hugging environmentalist vote? Taking legal action against the Japanese is the way to go. Calling the Opposition a few names while you’re at it will always win you a few extra points too.
   
• Looking for the naturalized citizen vote? Easy…make them believe the leading parties are both xenophobic – that should get you a more “colourful” vote. Kill two birds with the same stone – win the paranoid, hysterical bogan vote too – convince them that diverting boats to Christmas Island and denying refuge is what is best for Australia. What a great issue! Any party can spin it any which way they like and still win votes from someone somewhere in Australia. Win-win! Don’t worry Mr. Random Politician – we love it that you believe, us Australians don’t really know anything about human rights anyway so you’ll be right.
   
• Know what makes Australians angry? Making false promises related to sport & sporting venues. If you're the Opposition, get smart and use this to your advantage and remind people how they were denied their AFL stadium. That should get you some testosterone-charged votes. Easy done.
  
  
• Introducing a new tax but worried that people might figure out it may do more harm than good? No worries - simply spend millions of taxpayer dollars to advertise the awesomeness of it because it is such an "urgent" issue after all. Go a step further - tug at the heartstrings by making like it's all in "public interest".
  
  
• And if all else fails, do it Stephen Conroy style – convincing people how stupid they are and how much smarter he is for trying so hard to protect them from the big bad world by censoring their internet and pointing fingers at anyone who might raise an eyebrow.

For more ideas on political campaigning and how to win votes, simply read the news everyday. Mr. Random Politician will come up with ingenious new ideas every day, I promise you.